I'm beginning to suspect that something is seriously wrong with me. I need an attitude adjustment. I better start with myself before I mess up more of other people's lives. resolution 1: stick to your resolutions. hmph. no wonder you have problems.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes it gets extremely difficult to help people?

You're faced with critisisms, accusations, unbelievably hard-headed people and a lot of emotional bullying.

and this comes from the people who you're trying to help.

granted, in every project there will be ups and downs,

but i can't help but think that sometimes even those who trust most can betray you.

all for the sake of a project.

sometimes even your best is not good enough.

when defending yourself sounds like a multitude of excuses.

all for the sake of a project.

when people form their opinions of you when they do not even know you.

your thoughts, your sweat, your worries, your fears,

your heart.

when people think the only reason you're in this project is to gain credit.

and that you would stoop so low as to claim credit.

all for the sake or a project.

may those people know that if it is THIS difficult to help them, please erase my being from existence in the project documents.

there is no need for my name to appear.

there is no need to give me credit.

there is absolutely no need to figure out where to place me and why.

In the name of Allah, i will try to be what He wants of me.

go, credit. go away from me, i don't want you.

i just want

to help my friend.

please do not acknowledge me.

i don't want it.

heh.

kan best mcm gini, duduk kat uma...

bangon pagi (tghari la ekcelli), masak, kemas2, cuci2, sidai2

lepas tu dok lepak busuk2 kat sofa pangku laptop.

pk la pulak.. 'boring nye.. la kan, tapi bes'

knape bes? sebab tak payah buat pape!!!

Kalau nak diikutkan rasa hati, macam gitu ajelah gayenye tiap2 hari.

Tapi!!!

Ha..... kat Islam cakap (bile pulak islam bly becakap)

org islam tak boley rase boring. rase boring tu bukan utk kite. kite kene lah pandai2 sibukkan diri kite.

same ade dengan berdiri depan cermin analyse gigi ke,

kire brape banyak bulu ketiak kite ade ke,

tengok power ranger (go go power ranger!!! tenenenenet!!!) ke,

apape saje lah selagi kite tak rase boring.

kalau tnk boring lagi,

pegila kat tingkap tuh.

pegi tgk kat lua tu ha. banyak kan orang. kat flat depan uma tu..

tgk amoi tgh basuh pinggan ke,

asl jgn tgk org berasmara-dana sudala

banyak org sebenanye yg tinggal kat dunie ni.

kite kalau tgk lua, kte nmpk org, kte cube bayangkan, ape la gaknye mamat tu tgk pk skrg.

lepas tu kte kali kan dgn brape org yg kte nmpk.

banyak pkran2 yg sedang berlaku kat dunie ni.

cube la kalau kite boley bace pkran sume org.

HA.

tak ke bising kpale kte nnti?

kene la migraine.

pastu mule hantuk2 kpale kat dinding, mcm org gile.

dari itu,

bersyukurlah kite dgn nikmat yg Allah bagi, iaitu kte TAK dapat bace pkran org lain.

inila pos minah yg da lame tak, ape org puteh ckp tu? surface?

ha.. timbol.

'u' ganti 'o'.

'a' ganti 'e'

segale2 mcm perkataan kalau bley dipendekkan akan dipendekkan.

terserlahla kemlsn org mlayu (tak sume yg mls, tapi TETAP ade yg mls)

mane la ade org bace blog ni kan,

tapi pos ni NAK JUGAK NAK JUGAK (mina da buat tebiat) aku hadiahkan kat kwn mina aku yg sgt2 la aku rindu utk bebual mcm gini.

kau tau kau sape kan.

aku tau la kau bukan bace pon

tapi ape tu mat saleh ckp 'it's e thot tt counts'?

ha mcm gitu2 la

smemangnye aku syg kat kau

Allah selamatkan AKU (muahahaha mina mina... kenangan......)

dan kau jugak la.

Amin.

 

 

why do people get fat?

why is there the disturbing accumulation of fats in our bodies?

why is there such a thing as diet and exercise?

why is there such a thing as beauty?

stereotypes

prototypes

grotesque

URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im getting very impatient

mistakes

we continue to make mistakes

there is no stopping us from making mistakes

we appologise and then we make them again

what will deter us from making mistakes?

the same ones

over and over and over again

again and again

again

where does it end?

fear

when does it come?

it causes a brief overwhelming regret and hope for forgiveness

then the moment is gone

and all is lost

back to mistakes

over and over and over again

again and again

again

'i have no choice'

'im tired'

'im busy'

sometimes i think that the reason we turn away from invitations to self-actualisation is ourselves.

i am my own worst enemy.

i AM my own worst enemy.

so get off that chair and do something for yourself.

God wont change those who dont change themselves.

 

sometimes i feel like taking a step back from life and just watch it pass by me.

like those kind of fast-forwarded videos with this one guy standing solitary in the midst of it all.

like take a break.

take a break from life.

if only i can. i think to myself.

sometimes i look around me.

i look around and see a bubble.

the people i love

the people i want to love

the people i want to love me

and i realise that we just cannot control anything.

we can work for things like exams, assignments, making people happy, driving them crazy...

but ultimate i realised, something i learnt the hard way;

we cannot control what is in other people's hearts.

we can feel all we feel

weep our eyeballs out

but if Allah does not let it be, it will not, and will never be.

that's why soemtimes i ask myself why

why do i feel so alone?

why do u i feel so scared?

and i realise that it's truly because i have yet to move on

i let the past haunt me

i let it stop me from stepping forward again.

i remember the time when i fell (together with that scary go-kart car) into this wide open ditch. it scared me off driving.

then i remember the not-once times i had cooking and baking accidents. but i just did not give up. i tried again. again. again.

so what is the difference? i ask myself.

passion? hmmmmm.... maybe (shrugs)

maybe you can tell me the answer if you know

so to get back to the story, i realise that the act letting go, letting go to Allah,

to trust in Him, to put absolute faith in Him, matters.

Ukhuwwah fillah.

in recent (or not) discussions about this issue, i realise that i have not been an advocate of ukhuwwah fillah.

sahabah fillah.

mahabbah fillah.

and i realise what it means.

loving someone, while trusting in Allah that whatever happens, it comes from Him.

in that, if we get cheated, or let me say, tested, we wont be irrepairably devastated.

i had to learn this the hard way too.

and im still trying to overcome my pride, my sense of self, to do what Allah wants me to.

Love in His sake.

friends, family.

and im still trying to get over this little twinge, this little twinge, this little twinge.

i pray to Allah that if it is meant to be, then make the path easier for me.

but if it's not, please Ya Allah, remove the twinge.

i cannot bear the ache.

Allah help me.

Allah help me to be true to myself.

to be true to others.

to be true to You.

clear.

anti-dandruff.

guaranteed to not return.

how i wish there is a shampoo for mistakes.

one that prevents mistakes from ever returning.

so we never make mistakes again.

everything will be perfect.

at least, for the future.

but the past, oy, the past.

so many mistakes.

so many made with no regard to what was right.

so many....

but there's the good side of it.

you make mistakes, and you realise that you're wrong.

and you realise what wrong means

and what right means

what right costs

what right is worth

the question is, though

do we think right is worth going through suffering of self-change for?

clear my mistakes.

God will not change us we if don't change ourselves.

lately the heart has been full of sadness

the heart feels that it is no longer loved the same way as it used to be

the heart is afraid of not being needed anymore

that the heart is being left behind

that the heart is being shut out and restricted

there is only so much that the heart can say

for the heart is but still just a piece of meat that can be torn into with the slightest of blades

the heart wants to lift weights and be strong

but the heart does not have arms to grasp, a back to carry, and legs to stand on

the heart has but blood

the heart can but shed tears once cut

the heart can but beat slowly

in hope that someone someday may see the wounds and attempt to stitch them back

the heart yearns to be caressed

the heart yearns to beat faster

the heart yearns to be light

but unease and pain has caused the heart to remain heavy

still heavy

so heavy

no one can see the heart

for it is wrapped in bones and skin

deep beyond reach of the naked eye

and the heart continues to bleed

slowly

surely

silently

still

 

Blasting in the ears.

Don't you sometimes feel like you just wanna blast some music in your ears and look at people who're trying to talk to you dum-dumly?

Like you can't be bothered about what is happening around you. as far you believe it, there's only you and what you want to do.

Silence.

My head is silent.

Is it stress, i wonder. It's only week 2, heck, and I'm stressing myself out. Only because, some people 'study like dogs'. HAH

Cannot be bothered.

When the occasional hurt comes along again, when you're thinking about all that you don't have that you want, you know, at that point when you're feeling like you're being short changed and you deserve better..

when your insides start to shrivel up and tear, when you start to feel removed from the lives of those around you.

It's that time again.

How do you ever get over it?

my prof was talking about 'an instrument that can measure self-esteem' in class a mere few hours ago. wonder what my results would churn out.

guess.. that void is back. why? I have no idea.

Maslow, teach me how to achiece self-actualisation. you're right, i need it.